Sacrifice

"There is a part of me that works much quicker than any other part. It knows before anything can be explained, and it understands when everything says no. It is with me and at times without me."

I rightly don't know what to say. I don't really care anymore. I'm so lost in oblivion and ready for something new, something to take hold--force myself down its throat. I want pain, I want suffering, anything but this endless sacrifice. I want to just give up-move away from everything and everyone--just get away.

But from what?

The more I think about dropping out this semester the more I think of what I'm dropping out of. This blog is titled sacrifice and for a very good reason. That is exactly what this semester has been-sacrifice. And it only seems fitting after the rapture of last semester that things would become dull, they would fizzle down to blank stares the usual groove of things. That is this time, this year, now is a time of learning, great learning, and to due that, to due it well is to sacrifice what everyone else has. To give up parties, and patience. To give up sex and girls. To give up nights of sleep and days in front of the T.V. To give up the gym and my physique. To give up the now now, so that I may show it then. To give up friends, and society.

But what is that last one thing which I will not give up?

What is that one last thing I won't let go of?

Dropping out really makes no sense because the one thing I really want to get away from is the only driving force inside of me. It is the gruel of my meager diet. The Devil and God are raging inside of me. That which pushes me on so much is the exact same thing which holds me back.


But who knows, maybe I'll come back maybe I won't. Depends on what's calling I suppose.


Great thanx to Jon Orsi for being there to talk to throughout classes and the semester (you're my favorite person to bounce ideas off of), Chase you've been great as a deskmate all mythlong. Seth, Alex, and Doug, I've enjoyed our discussions and bullshit after class. Rio, you're always a pleasure. Knox thank you so much for the Unicorn quotes. Za Zen I believe we have yet to finish Frye? Saving Bells, nice new haircut and you are always a breathe of relaxation in the classroom. Angel I'm sorry you couldn't be in class because of your flu, but I've enjoyed your blogs immensely. Ben, you're the film major all the Lit majors look to, and it's been a pleasure chatting with you all semester. Roberto I look forward to our weekly mandates. Mayan thank you for being the little spitfire you are and keeping me on my toes. Michelle, Josh, and Sari it was a blast being in a group with you! Dustin, you and I can do great things together. Good luck to the new Graduate Brittany, enjoy your time off, hopefully you'll still be around for a bit! Thanks to Leubner for his heavily insightful essay on Proust (pronounced with an "eww" not "ooo" as he has reminded me multiple times). And lastly thanks to Shaman Sexson who allows me to go where even I at times frighten myself. You have been like a father to me over the past few years, and it has been a raging and humbling experience.

I hope everyone has a wonderful break, that no one breaks anything, and that I see everyone at the crack of noon for finals.



Oh. and here's a poem for you.

It is call A. Renewed. Taste.
What is the evil that rests inside you?
The shame that shivers burning bones?

The flame you see kindled in another’s
Heart is a reflection of your own.

You only win
what you see.

Your own.
Your one.
Your won.

You only see the world
as you see fit,
And it is never fit.

Love is the fight for piece.
The fight for pieces jiggered
To fit a puzzle senses
Will never see fit.

Your fit
is the absence of love
in a perfect picture.

Love is neither
the picture
nor the fit.

Neither perfect
Nor the feeling.

Love is at a loss of
Everything
And
A recognition of all.

Love is not a word,
Nor a verb
But
The verb.

Love is the ghost of the past,
The shadow of the present,
And the air of eternity.

Love is the let go and the know,
For the first time,
The unspoken,
The unfelt
But always felt
Flutter of frozen wings.

Love is the heat of hell,
The sense we hid for an apple tree.

Love is the cold of sheol,
The sorrow we bought for an apple tree.

Love is society’s gossip
Without the gossip
-the truth in the lie-
The death in the life
We wish to die
Yet love to live.

You are the music
while the music lasts
-or-
You are not the music
While the music lasts:
Love is both and neither
As a child is his mother and father
And not his mother and father.

Love is the nonsense of sense
And never,
No never,
Will the laws of the world explain




The Princes will sit and
Applaud,
The paupers piss and moan,
And both will see the same thing;
But one will know,
And one will never know,
And I feel the shame is all my own.

I feel the evil in my bone.
Through you
I see the ripples’ shiver is
My one.
My won.
My own.

Death is the love of life,
And its white light,
My mind waits to overcome.

On this day,
And that day,
We shall overcome.

And a man you shall be,
And a man you won’t.

And both
And neither
You shall become.